Marcus

National Service (NS) is something almost all Singaporean men, and a few brave women have undergone, are currently undergoing and will eventually undergo. Although it draws mixed reactions from people, being enjoyable to some while a torture to others, all will agree that it is no doubt an unforgettable experience. 

Like most people who went through NS, it was in the army when I experienced many of life's first times, like handling a firearm and not bathing for six days. It was also in NS when I first bathed with another guy (it has never happened since). It was nothing like Brokeback Mountain. We were usually given only 15 minutes to bath, do our laundry, pack our stuff for the following day and call our loved ones. And to top it all off, there were 50 guys and only eight bathrooms, of which one was spoilt. It was a gay guy's dream come true. I could almost hear Elton John singing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight". I never failed to rush out of the toilet the moment I was done, before someone decided to start cleaning their, or worse, their buddy's 'rifle'. 

NS is well known for its efficiency, and that is because they have a unique way of getting things done. When asked to complete a task, a deadline is usually given which is nothing out of the blue. But you're then told that your deadline started quite some time ago, leaving you with just enough time to shit your pants before you are punished for not completing the task. This results in people doing things even before they are told to do so, hence the saying kiang tiu hoh, mai kay kiang, which translates into "be smart, not a smart-ass".

People in NS communicate mainly through two languages, English and swear. During my Basic Military Training (BMT) in Tekong, I knew of a Company Sergeant Major (CSM) who was a man of little words. But when he speaks, all will listen. Many have heard him incorporating vulgarities from four different languages into a single sentence. It impressed us all though it didn't make the least bit sense. Then there are vulgarities made-up by NS men, of which my favourite is "fuck spider". It is slowly coming to light that Singapore is no longer the conservative country it once was. Although Asian men are not known to have the largest reproductive organs, but we sure as hell don't have one small enough to fuck a spider.

With countless advertisements in every form of media, it is common knowledge that the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) is advanced and well prepared. What could possibly stop a fighting force as menacing and revolutionary as ours? Rain, that is, rain with lightning occurrence. They can shoot down enemy aircraft, destroy tanks and sink ships, but can never take on water droplets falling from the sky. If it ever pours during war, both sides will cease fighting and take cover, only to resume combat when the weatherman announces that it is safe to do so. Meanwhile they can go and fuck spider.

The English language is the cornerstone of a multiracial and multi-religious country like Singapore. It is a common ground for people of different mother tongues to facilitate interpersonal relationships. Therefore many would find it appropriate that we Singaporeans should speak perfect english.

A few years back however, the Government of Singapore was faced with a weighty issue. The Queen's English was being replaced by Singlish, otherwise known as Singapore English, and the masses were embracing this new local jargon. And with ahs and lahs punctuating our every sentence, we were starting to speak as though we were having sex. This in turn gave rise to the Speak Good English Campaign, which encouraged Singaporeans to denounce Singlish and embrace the use of standard English. This is so that we can be understood by the British, Americans and people around the world. But why change who we are? Lets be a proud erotically speaking nation, ahs, lahs and all. Besides, if the British can make the world recognise blimey as a word, I'm sure we can make wahlao happen.

The truth is, Singlish isn't our biggest worry. The problem lies with English itself. I was by the pool the other day when I heard a mother cautioning her two children who were chasing each other.
"Stop running or you will slip and fall down."
I suppressed my laughter by swallowing mouthfuls of water. I don't know about her, but when I fall, I always go down, and I've never seen anyone "fall up" before. Can you imagine falling and opening your eyes to find yourself beside a Singapore Airlines plane ten thousand feet in the air. I can't, but maybe Supermom can.

Then there is this one sentence I've heard countless times, and it never fails to tickle me. Many a time aboard a bus, I would hear a stranger behind me telling his or her friend over the phone that he or she was "on the bus". Upon hearing that, I would then turn around expecting to see Jackie Chan all ready to swing himself onto an oncoming traffic light, but that is never the case. After a while, it just seemed like I was in India. Where else would you find people on buses?

Singlish pales in comparison to the above mentioned mistakes. At least fellow countrymen will be able to understand Singlish, whereas the latter would make you either a superhero or a superstar. And to those whose english I've corrected, I'm sorry if I seem a tad too harsh. I just don't want you guys to turn out to be another Jackie Chan.

The highlight of the past week other than the still missing short (1.58m tall) Jemaah Islamiyah terrorist, was the IT Show held at Suntec City. Having said that, I can only assume that the amount of faith Singaporeans have in the forces guarding our nation is able to move mountains. Despite the fact that they allowed the escape of the number one terrorist in Singapore and haven't been able to recapture him, a whooping 735,000 people turned up for the IT Show. Who gives a shit about a vertically challenged terrorist on the loose in our country when you can get a laptop for ten percent off the usual price.

According to reports, this year's IT Show generated S$54.5 million worth of sales. But other than their fat wallets, Singaporeans who went to the fair brought along something else, something more local, kiasuism. Honestly, I don't blame others for stereotyping Singaporeans as being kiasu. Based on what I saw at the IT Show, we are living examples of the word's exact definition. They could not wait two bloody seconds for their turn were cutting in front of others, not because they saw our little terrorist friend, but to get on the escalator. Had I stood in front of it waiting for my turn, I would still be there now. People will cut in front of you from both sides, even from the back, as though you weren't waiting to get on. It seemed that the only people who waited their turns were tourists. Make a trip to Suntec City, I believe they are still there waiting to get on the damn escalator.

Another group of kiasus I saw at the fair were the 'crowd-pushers'. No, they aren't ushers of any kind. They are simply like what their name suggests. They push their way through crowds, and they do so with a look of determination on their faces that will put Rocky Balboa to shame. I saw this one mother who literally dragged her daughter behind her as she bashed through the crowd. The poor girl was barely a meter tall and she was bouncing off members of the public. It was like watching a warped game of pinball, just that the usual dings are replaced by cries of ouch instead.

It is depressing to see Singaporeans behaving in the ways mentioned above. I've seen people about to shit their pants who are in less of a hurry than those kiasu fuckers. We should get them to take part in the hunt for the infamous Mas Selamat bin Kastari. Give a free iPod to the person who catches him, and before I'm done writing this entry, he will be back his cell in Whitley Road Detention Centre. The sad truth is, because of these people and how they act, the rest of us normal folks have to behave in the same way for fear of being taken advantage of. And in Singapore where kiasuism reigns, there is no lack of people ready to do just that at the first given opportunity.

That is not all. I've been saving the best for last, the cream of the crop, the cherry on top of the cake. I'm talking about voyeurs. When the models came out to showcase the IT products, these deprived pricks whipped out their cameras and started shooting away. Thank goodness their cameras were the only thing they whipped out, and they weren't shooting anything else. The exact showcased products were on display at booths during the entire fair, so why do they wait until then to take the photos? Simple. The IT Show was more of a TIT Show to those wankers. So the next time you see such a photographer, whip out your tool and start shooting him with it.

Back in early 2006, I told a friend of mine that I intended to start a blog. We both agreed that I would most probably procrastinate and that I will only set up one sometime later. He said a month, I said six. After almost two years, I finally got down to business and started this blog. And it was not some life changing incident which made me realise that I needed to pen down, or in this case type out my life in words and let the whole world know, although I have a really strong hunch that this will not get past Sentosa, but I was simply bored shitless at work. It is that simple. Had I known it would take me less than five minutes to set up a blog, I would have done so ages ago. Then again, maybe not. 

Having created this blog, I just realised that I haven't the slightest clue as to what I am going to blog about. I sincerely take my hat off to you people out there who can write tons of stuff on your blog every single day. How exciting is my life at this point in time? Well, I would say it is about as interesting as watching paint dry.